At the time it seemed like such a ludicrous question.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
I scrunched up my nose and frowned. How could I possibly know the answer to that question? I hadn't even finished High School.
I looked at my dad and shrugged my shoulders, replying indignantly.
End of conversation. We never spoke of this topic again.
Being 12 or 13 years old at the time I brushed it off as something I didn't need to worry about for years. I mean, I was just a kid. Living in the moment. Why did I have to worry about things that would fall into place in due course? Like, when I'm actually a grown up.
Well. I have now been a grown up for more years than I like to admit and the truth is, I still don't know what I want to be.
Somehow destiny never did just drop in my lap. It wasn't conveniently handed to me with the onset of adulthood. I never got that lightening bolt of pure knowing that THIS is what I'm meant to be doing. Nope. High School finished and I was clueless.
It was like entering an abyss. One that I've been floating around in and sweeping for clues ever since. Countless jobs in tow along with various unfinished courses, I've worked hard over the years at the process of elimination. That has been my job. To discover what I enjoy. To acknowledge what I hate.
But recently the universe gave me a break.
While doing a much needed spring clean I came across a bunch of old photos, school reports, letters, high school journals, and they reminded me of the girl I used to be... before I entered the abyss. As I reminisced and soaked up the joy of past moments, something began to happen. A wave of awareness swept over me. An understanding of who I was. Who I have always been and still am to this day.
It was like connecting the dots.
Suddenly I was Dr. Sleuth with my big imaginary magnifying glass examining memories, uncovering clues, discovering missing links and hidden secrets about myself. The way I looked at life. How I saw the world. And before I knew it I was having an epiphany.
A light shone down and illuminated the one thing that has always been with me. That if given a chance, I would do all day every day without ever taking pause.
From the minute I was taught the alphabet in Grade 2, writing excited me. It fed the dreamer in me. Allowed me to wonder and ponder life. It gave me an escape. A place of solace. Let me figure things out. Express myself.
And though writing may not be my soul purpose in life, that epiphany made me realize it's a necessary part of who I am. That there's a reason for my incessant questioning of the world and for my curiosity of human nature. That my thoughts are there to be released. And that somehow my writing and perspective are all tied into the bigger picture. Maybe a fuzzy bigger picture, but still.
One dot connected is better than none.
(May 29th, 2013)